This week our joy diet focuses on relationships, and encourages us to be truthful in them to maximize our joy. Although we’re encouraged to begin with small steps, I got a bigger opportunity, right away.
Last night I worked with a group of coaches-in-training and got caught up in my own “stuff.” Blindly. Unintentionally, to be sure. But to be honest, I steered the session they were coaching in a direction I wanted it to go. In other words, I got attached to the outcome.
This violates a fundamental rule of good coaching. I was there as their mentor, a Master Coach, doing the exact opposite of what I’m there to help them learn. And the joy diet principle of playing at work so that it becomes more like a game, where the outcome is less important than the process? Let’s just say I forgot about that too.
In the discussion that followed the coaching session, I was initially bewildered by what one of the participants said: “You wanted it to go in one direction and I had a different direction in mind.” Ouch. What made her statement painful was its truth. She was absolutely right.
As we talked further, I recalled an earlier moment in the session when a remark the coaching client made touched an old sore place within me–something I thought had healed and resolved long, long ago. I wasn’t even aware of it until we began de-briefing the coaching session. And there it was, open and oozing again, this time right in front of my students. And being recorded as well. I suddenly felt very defensive.
And then I got it. I woke up to what had been going on inside me. And I told my students the absolute truth—that I had a personal agenda. Because my old judgments and hurts had been triggered. We call this coaching in our blind spot.
Once I saw what had happened and opened up to my students, my confusion and defensiveness melted right on the spot. Immediately, I felt such a profound connection with these wonderful people. I felt such admiration for the woman who’d spoken up to me about my pushing. That took amazing courage.
The trainee who was getting coached by us had been discussing a very personal and painful topic in her life. She graciously emailed me after the class and I want to share her words because they demonstrate the awesome power of truth in our relationships:
“Thank you for your coaching tonight but most of all for being so TAO [transparent, authentic, and open] with us. I understood (intellectually) . . . how important it is but tonight I felt how important it is thanks to your sincerely being transparent, authentic and open with us. It will totally effect my coaching as well as my life.”
Tears welled up in my eyes when I read this. I felt so honored to have screwed up in a way that helped her. And helped the group. And helped me enormously. I’ve struggled mightily with my perfectionism. Last night, there was almost no struggle, as my perfectionism exposed its soft, pale belly to the light.
And you know what? I think even if I had a chance for a re-do, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was so much better this way.
My deepest thanks to all of you on the call last night. You are awesome coaches!
