I’m being visited by a family member who is a master at pushing my buttons. Instead of experiencing the joy of connection, I’ve been going back to the truth exercises over and over. It went on for two days out of a four day visit, with no relief.
It was so obvious that she is in pain. And so obvious that I was accepting the invitation to dance an old dance again. And I couldn’t stop. (At least that’s the story I told myself.) And we were having a rotten, miserable time together.
Then I remembered the exercise I wrote about on Day 14—Is our Loved One’s Pain Contagious? When I initially wrote about it, it was in the context of becoming immune to someone else’s low spirits. I just discovered that the exercise works with when our loved one is pushing our buttons.
Here’s what I wrote then: realize that you are bigger than the other person’s emotion—so big that you can hold their emotion without it impacting you. It can simply pass through you.
I began to imagine that I was literally huge, that I extended ten feet in every direction with compassionate, loving energy. I visualized this both in and out of her presence. I almost felt like I was floating, I became so large.
It worked. Her “stuff” stopped bugging me. I stopped wanting her to stop, I stopped asking her to stop, I stopped asking her to notice what she was saying and doing. I was so large, it didn’t impact me. It passed right through me.
It worked like magic. It stopped. Our reactivity to each other vanished. We began to connect again. Now, we are smiling and laughing and hugging. It’s downright joyful.
Can we catch the low spirits of those close to us the way we can catch chicken pox? The bad news: we definitely can. But do we have to? The good news is an emphatic “NO.” Truth seekers have abundant immunity from this common illness of spirit.
What am I feeling? A bit uneasy and upset.
What hurts? Agitation and vibration in my belly.
What is the painful story I am telling myself? Someone close to me is caught in a story and in pain, and much of it is dirty pain. He shouldn’t do this. He should realize the truth, and cheer up.
Can I be sure this painful story is true? Well, no.
Is my painful story working? No.
Can I think of another story that might work better? Yes. I am responsible for myself, my mood, and my actions. If I stay in my own business, I can be loving and compassionate and supportive, yet not get infected with his story and his mood. My advice for him really pertains to me: I should realize the truth, and cheer up.
When I was in the mountains weekend before last, my friend and I talked extensively about how to avoid picking up the negative energy of our loved ones. One of her mentors gave her this advice: realize that you are bigger than the other person’s emotion—so big that you can hold their emotion without it impacting you. It can simply pass through you.
So, try it–next time you think your mood is attached to someone else’s and spiraling downward, realize that you are so large that you can hold their feelings, without your own mood and joy becoming infected. That, and a large serving of truth will provide you with natural immunity.
After my daily dose of nothing, today’s truth exploration:
1. What am I feeling? A little anxiety.
2. What hurts? It is a fluttering sensation in my belly. I crave a snack even though I am not hungry. I want food to bury this sensation.
3. What is the painful story I’m telling? This afternoon is going to be miserable because I have to finalize paperwork for my appointment with the accountant tomorrow morning to finish my 2007 income taxes. I hate doing this. It’s not fair. It’s not creative. I shouldn’t have to do this.
4. Is this painful story true? Well.., no, this story is full of dirty pain.
5. Is this story working? No. I feel upset and I want to avoid this afternoon’s task, which is why I missed the April 15 deadline.
6. Can I think of another story that might work better? Yes. Actually, my disorganization was much less in 2007 than it has been in the past. I’m improving. This year, I hired an assistant instead. She organized everything. My involvement has been minimal this year. I only have about two hours of work to do today. After tomorrow’s appointment, I will be totally finished with this. I plan to have the assistant organize 2008 now, and keep at it monthly, so next year will be easy.
I see that I’ve had a lot of dirty pain around this. I did the loving kindness meditation for a few seconds. My assistant should arrive in a few minutes, and by this time tomorrow, the whole project will be over.
This truth exercise took less than five minutes. Pretty good. I’m going to reward myself with some silliness. Enjoy.
I’m being visited by a family member who is a master at pushing my buttons. Instead of experiencing the joy of connection, I’ve been going back to the truth exercises over and over. It went on for two days out of a four day visit, with no relief.
