Inner180

As a new lawyer, I worked in Miami’s county courts of where delinquents with blaring stereos and mufferless cars, unruly boaters who blithely sped across manatee habitats, and loiterers and petty thieves faced time in the county slammer for, mostly, their unrepentant boorish behavior.  The courts teemed with emotion, illogic, and, not infrequently, chaos.  The defendants and their families waited alongside long-suffering neighborhoods seeking their day in court against louts whose dogs ran through their gardens, digging, pooping, and terrifying cats.

In addition to the legally recognized pleas of guilty and not guilty, the shrewd judges allowed, a third alternative which had absolutely no legal significance but served as a practical and efficient way to keep the heavy docket moving.  Over and over, the court clerk sternly demanded of the defendant, “How do you plead, guilty, not guilty, or guilty with an explanation?”  “Guilty with an explanation” was the overwhelmingly popular choice

The defendant was then given a few minutes to offer his excuses, justifications, and rationalizations for doing what he did.  But he was still guilty, and treated accordingly.

How often we do this in our personal lives.  We behave unreliably, sometimes worse.  We break rules, ignore the twinges of conscience that tug at us, then plead “guilty with an explanation,” stammering out our excuses.  It feels icky and lame, because, in the end, we’re guilty with or without an explanation.

What if we simply admitted it?   “I misled you.  I apologize. I hope you’ll forgive me.”  An apology without an excuse.  Guilty without an explanation.  It’s a risk that takes courage, but, in the end, a far more truthful and satisfying  choice.

What do you really yearn for, what you are just dying to have in your life?  Start with this question:  how will it feel when you have it?  Imagine what it feels like to be totally in love with your life.  You don’t have to know how you got there.  You don’t even have to know exactly what it is.  Just imagine what it feels like when you’re there.

What are you feeling? Excited? Light-hearted? Peaceful? Over the moon?

If you’re not, why not?  What are you telling yourself that’s keeping you from feeling it?  It’s silly to pretend?  You can’t do it?  You might do it wrong?

Could that possibly be the same thinking that’s stopping you from having the life of your dreams?  Better check out that thinking with some truth testing.  And dump the thinking if it’s not true.

The truth is virtually all of our limits are self-concocted.  We tell ourselves that it’ll never happen, we can’t have it, and we wind up feeling like we got punched.  Only we did the punching, right in own gut with our own thinking.  And it sucks the creative juice and fun and the energy right out of us.  We don’t feel like making the effort and we’re blind to juicy opportunities that pop up right under our noses.

When we allow ourselves to feel light, open, energetic, filled with possibility, we set the stage for our dreams to come true.   We’re inspired and everything becomes possible.  Our hearts and our minds open.  We soar. The people, the situations, the opportunities find us and we’re awake and recognize them.  We know they’re there for us, so we gratefully grab them.  We’re experimental, playful, brilliant, bold.  And before long, we’ve got it.  The thing we wanted and a life we love.

Ironically, the journey to the life of our dreams feels as light and open and joyful as the life we want when we get there.  And it’s the only way to get there.

So got that?  Let’s try it again.  What is it that you want?  Now feel it by imagining that you’ve got it right now.  Let yourself tingle with it right down to your toes.  Take a soft breath or two and revel in it.  Then, take it with you.  Invent, dream, create, plan, act: whatever you do, do it with that feeling.

And when the path feels as beautiful as the destination, it’s like having what you want right now.  Amazing, eh?

Imagine that you won the lottery.  Go ahead.  Dream big.  No, even bigger.

How much is your ticket worth?  How will you feel when you win?  Get really comfortable and breathe the feeling of total financial freedom right down into your bones.

When I do this exercise with my Fearless About Finances class, many participants can’t imagine having so much money that they will never again worry about it.  Some of them stew about how big the lottery ticket is.  Some panic during this exercise, inextricably bound to their feelings of lack.  Who would I be, they seem to ask, without my identity being completely tied up in money fears and woes?  For these folks, life without financial fear is such an identity shift that they can scarcely dream about it.

Which is the whole point of the exercise.  Those who can break through, who can imagine the feeling state of giving up, forever, worries about money, discover something delicious.  That feeling state is available to us now.  Right in this moment, no matter what size our bank accounts are, no matter how many bills sit on our desks, no matter what the state of the economy is.

Worrying about money (or anything else) does not serve us.  It robs us of our creative juice, our intelligence, and our energy.  It does not bring us resources, financial or otherwise.  It is not a motivating force; it is draining, debilitating.

The feeling state of freedom, however, is energizing, inspiring, motivating, delicious.  And always available, no matter what is going on in the outside world.

Try it.  Let go of your worries about whether new clients will call, your employer will lay you off, your grant will be funded, the stock market will rebound before you retire.  Let go of the part of you that imagines that the wolf is at the door.  Just try it, temporarily.  (You can always re-conjure it up later, if you’d like.)

The Truth is this: both the delights of freedom and the shackles of worry are created inside us.  Right in our heads.  By our thoughts about the world, not from the events in the world.  If you can create worry and distress with your thoughts, you can also create freedom and inspiration with your thoughts.  And with light, free feelings, our hearts and minds and spirits are fully available and free to soar.

So imagine something wonderful, like, say a $35,000,000 winning ticket.  Get into how it feels and really relish it. After all, isn’t that the whole point of wanting a flourishing business, a relationship, a baby, a fabulous career, or whatever else you long for?  The happiness and satisfaction it will bring, right?  Just go there first, in your imagination, with your thoughts. Then feel what it brings and luxuriate in it.  The journey then becomes as extraordinarily fantabulous as the destination.  You won’t even need to buy a ticket.

Does she have an Inner Nag?

Over and over, I’ve been asked the same thing about my recent trip to Africa: what was the best part, the most important thing I learned, my biggest “aha”?  The people, the animals, the landscape, the country, and the African STAR workshop enriched my life in so many ways.  Did one thing stand out?

I puzzled over this, and then it hit me.

The biggest lesson for me was this–I went.  I didn’t take the advice of the whiney chorus of nagging, nay-saying voices in my head intoning “NO-O-O-O. Don’t go.  You shouldn’t do this,” somber as a criminal court judge handing down a life sentence without possibility of parole.

“You don’t have the time,” the clockwatcher crisply noted.  “You don’t have the money,” begged the voice of lack, convinced it’s the only thing between me and a life spent living under a bridge with my worldly belongings in a shopping cart.  “You didn’t plan this far enough in advance,” clucked the practical one as she studied the lists on her clipboard. “The long plane ride will wipe you out,” implored the hand-wringer that thinks danger and injury lurk around every corner.  “Everyone will think it’s foolish/be jealous/won’t like you,” pleaded the approval-junkie that desperately wants to get along well with others.

Is she looking for approval?

I’d heard them all before, cautioning me not to seize other opportunities in my life.  I’ve listened to their advice many times.  This time, I realized they were just the voices of limiting thoughts that weren’t true.   So I thanked them for their efforts.  And I ignored them.

Oh my stomach still did loops when I gave the airline agent my credit card information.  But I knew my feelings were coming from thoughts fueled by my Inner Nags.  So I bought the ticket.

And I had a fantastic trip with absolutely no regrets.  I was enchanted.  I learned.  I grew.  I shared amazing sights and transformative insights with fabulous people.  I had an adventure.  It felt light and airy and magical and free.  And it still does.

He doesn't seem to be worried about his future.

The Buddha taught that you can always know the sea because it always tastes of salt and you can always know enlightenment because it always tastes like freedom.

I can recall so many adventures that I’ve passed up because I chose to believe that chorus of hyper-cautious, sensible voices.  This time I listened to the deeper, wiser voice inside me.  “Go,” it whispered.  “This is an opportunity of a lifetime.  Don’t pass it up.  Go.”

Recognizing and listening to that still, quiet voice of truth is the greatest lesson I learned.   And it’s delicious.  It tastes like freedom.

Among the many lessons in the African bush, the lesson of stillness unfolded again and again. Many times during our game drives, we were invited to get still and notice what was happening around us.  Putting down our cameras and stopping our social chitchat, we sat still and simply did nothing.

I’d never been in a place where there was stillness in every direction, where the sights and sounds of human activity were completely absent, where not even the hum of a distant highway or an occasional overhead airplane broke the silence.  Only the subtle presence of nature surrounded us.

Before long, our Shangaan tracker would quietly gesture to something which we hadn’t immediately comprehended.

Like the beautiful blue heron sitting beside this lake,

impala grazing across the field,

zebras hiding in the grasses,

hippos disguised as boulders,

and elephants emerging from the forest.

The more still we get, the more we see and hear and learn, and the more we connect with the beauty and wonder always around us.  This is the place we can access the wisest parts within us, where we can become the detached, curious observers of ourselves, and where we can always know peace.

Lao Tzu teaches, “Empty your mind of all thoughts, let your heart be at peace  . . . you can deal with whatever life brings you.”

Africa was a powerful reminder.

Londolozi, South Africa

Each dawn we bundle up and sleepily climb into an open Range Rover.  We pull thick wool blankets across our laps, gratefully tuck our hands around the hot water bottle nestled inside, and head out across a network of dirt trails traversing gently rolling hills and grassy fields.

We pass leafless tree-skeletons

and quiet ponds ringed with vibrant green marshes.

It looks very much like the open lands in the Colorado foothills, with one very significant exception.  Londolozi teems with an incredibly diverse array of animals and birds not found in the wild in North America.  Nyala, kudu, duiker, impala, hare, vulture, eagle, bat, heron, mongoose, monkey, warthog, baboon, giraffe, zebra, wildebeest, elephant, water buffalo, hippopotamus, lion, leopard, rhinoceros, hyena, crocodile, duck, stork, lizard, guinea fowl, lilac-breasted roller–the list is endless and in short time, we see them all.

And it’s up close and personal. . . .

We sit motionless, spellbound by the antics of lion cubs pouncing on their macho but indulgent father.

We’re awed by the sublime

And the ridiculous

We’re even charged by this grumpy, one-tusked bull elephant.  Our adrenaline was running so high, I missed the photo op.

He’s probably responsible for snapping the tree limb here, so luckily he only wanted to chase us off.  We happily indulged him.

The full moon is shinier and fuller and more beautiful than ever before when sitting atop a termite mound.

And just as we were getting used to the idea that we really were in Africa, that we really were seeing the African land, the African moon, and that the animals really hadn’t escaped from the zoo, it was time to leave.

Toward the end of the week, a couple of folks in our group voiced their dread of returning to “the real world.”  Which raises a fascinating question—which one is the real world anyway?  Is it the one at home, with careers, relationships, fashion, television, mortgages, the internet, and animals who eat from cans?  Or is it here, in the African bush?

I practiced law for a lo-o-ong time.  Doubt, disbelief, and challenge is a blood sport in the law, and nothing is accepted without solid, credentialed proof.  Now, I hang around people who believe in magic, and the more I’m with them and the more I play with magical processes, the more I agree that there are wonderful, whimsical, magical forces guiding our lives.  But I still think I’m rational and intelligent.

A couple of months ago I made a vision board–my experiment with the concept of influencing reality by regularly viewing inspiring images. I created a collage of African animals, illustrating a deep desire to someday visit the place where humankind first emerged and magnificent animals roam freely.

A few weeks later, I dreamed I was a heroine in a broad, gray-green African veldt, diverting a charging rhino from attacking the small children with me.  Then, I met some wonderful South Africans in Chicago at our coaches’ convention.  And I began to trade Facebook messages with a coach trainee who, unknown to me at the time, is South African.

And just last week, my lunch was served by a lovely South African woman who proudly told me about her beautiful country.

The idea of actually going to Africa in the near future never really occurred to me though.  I could have given you very solid evidence of why and how it would probably never happen.

Just a few days ago, going to Africa existed only in  a mélange of images on my vision board.  And now it’s happening, and at warp speed.  Next Saturday morning, I’ll begin a 26-hour flight to South Africa, to join Martha Beck and a small group of amazing people, many of whom I’ve met either in person or online in just the last month.

Coincidence or synchronicity?  Until I glued those pictures to a slab of foam-core board and propped it up it my bedroom, I knew no South Africans, never had dreamt of Africa, and thought the chances I’d actually get there in my lifetime were wildly improbable.

Today, magic is looking like the rational choice of intelligent people.  I can hardly wait to make my next vision board.  Shall I visit the moon, or stay here on earth to become a principal dancer with the New York City Ballet?

And you?  What are your wildly improbable dreams?  Post them here, make a vision board, and tell everyone you know about your secret desires. Let your imagination run wild, and get excited with the realization that dreams really do come true, and magic just might be the force that makes them happen.

Go ahead and do it! It’s a rational, intelligent act.

Do you ever say “yes” or “maybe” when you really want to say “no?”  Or do you muddle your “no” with explanations, excuses, or apologies?

Consider these alternatives:

–I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me.  But you know, I don’t know, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.  I’m sorry.  Please don’t be mad at me.

–No.  I’m not ready to have sex with you.

How about these:

–I really don’t want you to use my car tonight because the last time you went out in it you stayed out until 4 am and you didn’t call me and  I was so worried about you and I just don’t sleep when that happens.

–No, dear.  You can’t borrow my car tonight.

Or these:

–I don’t know.  I’m really tired, and I’m not sure how I’ll feel tonight.  So, I’ll have to call you later.

–No, I’m not available tonight.  Thank you for asking.

How about these options:

–You know, my credit card balances have really crept up and I have to get my washer fixed and go to the dentist and I don’t get paid for another two weeks.  So, I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it.

–No, I can’t lend you money.

When we are not clear in our no’s we open the door to debate and  argument.  We set ourselves up for difficult relationships.  We often agree to do things that conflict with our real desires and our core values.

And whether we reluctantly go along with something because our “no” was never clearly expressed, or we somehow wriggle out of it by offering up enough excuses, we never enjoy ourselves.  Either we wind up doing something we didn’t want to do, or we’re exhausted by our guilt and the effort to get out of it.

One of the most empowering things we can do is to say “no” honestly, clearly, and cleanly.  It gives us both inner strength and peace in our hearts.

Try it out and see how it feels.

A friend recently posed this question to me:  if I had to live on a deserted island for one year with no possibility of escape or rescue, what five things, other than basic survival things like food, water, and shelter would I want to have with me.

Here’s my list:

The Tao te Ching (unless there is electricity, then my Kindle, but that seems like cheating)
Paper
Pens
A watercolor kit with paint and brushes
A camera—I know, the electricity thing again, but we won’t be super-strict with the rules.

As I thought about this, I realized I could have fun and stay really absorbed.  And that alone is a happy thought.  I’d keep a journal, of course, and then write all the things I never get around to, teach myself to paint, and take lots of interesting pictures.  My island, as I imagine it, has interesting shells and rocks and birds and plants and driftwood for creative inspiration.

Through it all, I’d read the Tao to keep inspired.  Maybe I’d understand it better at the end of the year.

After doing this little exercise, these questions came to mind:

What possessions really add to our happiness?
What do we really need for entertainment, for inner growth, for self-expression?
What would we be willing to give up if resources were really limited?

What would you bring along with you?  And how would it be to be alone with yourself?  Post your answers in the comments section.

Dear One,

I really enjoyed getting to know you better during our session and I was thrilled to be able to coach you.  I have seen a lot of potential in you and I’m glad you want to look deeply inside yourself.  I do quite a lot of work around “How to Work with People in Crisis” with coaches, lawyers, and mental health professionals.  In a sense, this is what you are challenged to do with your partner.

The first principle of working with those who are in crisis is to remain calm yourself.  And I am not talking about the calm of the actress who is showing exterior calm while flipping out or at war inside.  Our energy fields will give us away.  (Remember the heart’s electrical charge is MEASURABLE, with today’s equipment, up to 10 feet away from us.)  Clamping down our feelings is exhausting, and compromises our intelligence and creativity and our authentic power.  This is confirmed by science, as well as by our spiritual leaders, and all of the great healers and leaders who have shared their secrets with us.

I am talking about honest, authentic calm, the deep calm that knows that we will be allright, no matter what happens.  It is a calm that comes from unconditional love, for absolute acceptance of reality, and from getting in touch with the sometimes painful but always liberating truth that we are responsible for our own experience. This is why the focus of our coaching session was directed at the real truth of what is going on inside of you, rather than around your partner’s behavior.

As coaches, as leaders, as parents, as those interacting with people in crisis, it is up to us to set the tone of our interactions, rather than being pulled into the other’s upset.  This is a big challenge, particularly with a partner because they know where our buttons are, and they often don’t hesitate to push them.  They will exhibit behavior with us that they will not do elsewhere, for example, at their workplace.  Which fuels further judgments, recriminations and inner war (“Why can’t s/he be civil with me if s/he can keep it together at work.  S/he is disrespectful, a jerk, too angry.”)  On and on goes the inner dance.

If you can stay in your core of peace with your partner, you can do it with anyone, I suspect.  But you must first see the value in getting really honest with yourself about all of this.  This is an exploration of the “why” you want to interact from your core of peace and to be an authentically calm presence.

For those of us who have lived most of our lives in a lot of noise and turmoil (inner and outer), this is a huge identity shift.  It is scary and our minds will rebel, often very creatively.   I remember thinking “without my drama, without my stories, without my nostrils flaring and coming back with a quick, sassy (i.e., nasty) remark” I will be flat, weak, boring, plain vanilla, no personality.  For me, that was just another lie I told myself to stay in a dance of war, of turmoil, of victimhood.  Although I was frequently miserable there, It was a very familiar place, and I was comfortable there.

I have, in large part, now ended my personal inner war.  When inner conflict arises, which it does, I do the very same inner work I ask of my clients.  I do not believe that I am now weak or boring or flat, and my experience is that no one else thinks so either.  In fact, my personal experience is that I am much stronger, more powerful, and even more interesting now. And, I have freed up enough energy to power a small city.

So, all of this is a lead up to an assignment for you.  Ask yourself why.  Why do you want to end this war, end this dance, end this strife with your partner?  Write down all the reasons that come to you.  Do this over the course of the next week or so.  Let the reasons come to you.  If you think of reasons not to end it, write those down separately.  If you resist this exercise, then list all the reasons why you are resisting.

Then look at those reasons with an open mind and a heart devoted to the largest truth of who you are and what you really want for yourself.  Ask which reasons are steeped in truth and which are not.  Ask which reasons feel like love and which do not.  And then ask yourself this question:  whose responsibility is it get this truth and this love into your life?

Let me know how it goes.

Much love,
Terry