Inner180

“When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.”  The Tao te Ching

Do you approach the holidays in a spirit of leaving nothing undone?

I totally get it, and I feel your pain.  My holidays used to include a ten-foot Christmas tree, a perfect specimen, chosen with a careful eye and festooned with hundreds of carefully placed lights, trinkets, and toys.  It took two ladders and several days to complete it

My family didn’t share my attention to detail.  “Mom,” my eleven year old son said one year, as I was speed-hanging blown-glass icicles moments before dozens of guests were arriving, “The tree is beautiful.  No one cares if you get more stuff on it.  Just relax and enjoy it.”  At the time, I thought this was a very uncooperative attitude.

Relax and enjoy?  Surely you jest.  There were halls to deck and gifts to buy.  And parties.  And meals served on antique china and vintage linens.

Truth is, apart from admiring my handiwork for a few moments here and there, I was frazzled most of the time.  If I had a spare moment, I’d fill it.  “Florentines?  Perfect! If I go buy hazelnuts right this minute, they’ll be finished by 2 am.  Hmmm…I wonder where I can find organic, fair-trade hazelnuts this time of night?”

Happily, I found a different way to leave nothing undone.   Here’s how it works—if it feels like love and can be done with ease and my full presence, I do it.  If not, it’s left undone. This allows me the time and space to fully and joyfully show up.  It’s not only more peaceful, it’s way more fun.  And the only things left undone are those that drain and exhaust me.

I still love creating a Christmas tree, but now, it’s small and simple and takes about an hour to decorate.  It’s sparkly and beautiful and smells divine, and I have time to sit in front of it with friends and a glass of wine.  I cook on Christmas Day because I love to, but it’s no longer a competition with Martha Stewart.  I might even break out the antique china once in a while, because it’s lovely and these days, because I actually got some sleep the night before Christmas, I have the energy for the hand-washing that follows.

Guided by principles of love and ease and mindfulness, I do less and less, and enjoy the holidays more and more.  Without the long to-do list, I can connect with the people in my life with my full presence.  And isn’t that the point of all the preparations, decorations, meals, parties, and gifts?  Isn’t that connection what really matters, what we really want?

Truly, by doing less and less, all with loving, effortless ease and full presence, nothing that really matters is left undone.

During this holiday season, may you give and receive love and connection with those who nourish your life, and may you keep it with effortless ease in the coming year.

Pollyanna, the title character in a 1913 best-selling novel, has been given a bad rap.  The plucky little orphan played “The Glad Game,” and found something to be glad about in every situation. When she was sent to a cold, barren attic room by her stern aunt, she marveled at the view out of her window.  When facing possible paralysis,  she was grateful to have legs.  Eventually, Pollyanna transformed her whole New England town into a happy place.

Today, we use the term Pollyanna pejoratively, to mean a naïve person who refuses to see reality clearly, or whose optimism is ridiculously excessive.   It’s just not cool to be “Pollyannaish.”

Sometimes, we worry that if we focus on what’s right in our lives, we’ll get complacent.  We falsely believe that focusing on the negative will motivate us to change, and we’ll be more likely to create a better life, find a more fulfilling career, or a better relationship.  We tell ourselves that being happy right now with what we have is tantamount to giving up.

Nothing is further from the truth.  Turns out, Pollyanna was right!  The positive power of gratitude has been overwhelmingly proven by science. People who are consciously grateful are more energetic, more determined, think more clearly, think more methodically, make more progress towards goals, have more resilience during tough times, and are more optimistic, enthusiastic, and joyful. As if that wasn’t enough proof, the grateful are have fewer illnesses, greater immune response, and even exercise more.

If you want to make positive change in your life, aren’t those exactly the qualities you’d want to have on board?

Here are some simple suggestions to increase gratitude:

Write it down.

Take a few moments each day to write down a few things for which you are grateful.  Just before bedtime is a good time.  Note what made you smile or touched your heart, or contributed to your life.   After each item, jot down why you appreciate that thing or person.  This simple exercise has been proven to produce dramatic results.

Say it out loud.

Be generous with expressing your thanks. Tell the people in your life that you appreciate them.  You can be specific, “Thanks for inviting me to lunch,” or you can be as general, “I’m so glad you’re in my life.”  Do it in unexpected places.  It feels really good to thank the cashier at the grocery store for her help.

Be a gratitude artist.

Use your creative imagination to find new opportunities to be grateful.  Aren’t you grateful for cheap long distance telephone rates? When I was in college, I had to wait for the one pay phone in the dorm hallway, and talk fast, as long distance was a precious commodity.  Now, I pay a small monthly rate and use long distance all day long.  And with Skype, I can talk to people all over the world, for free!  I love my long distance and Skype; I’m truly grateful for these technologies.

Where can you be grateful in ways you haven’t thought of?  Are you grateful for the hot water in your morning shower, your breakfast, the refrigerator that keeps your food cold, and the internet which allows you to read this?

Love those thighs.

Instead of talking trash about your body, how about being grateful for it?  Your legs are magical and deserve your appreciation for taking you so many places.  How about appreciating your fingers which do such marvelous, magical things for you?   Can you appreciate your heart?  It never forgets to keep ticking.   Can you be grateful for the gym which is available even when you’re not enthusiastic about going there.

Play the Glad Game.

Challenge yourself to find reasons to be grateful for things that annoy you.  When you do this, the corner gas station is transformed into a marvelous and convenient source of fuel, water, and sweet snacks.  When you notice all of the safe driving that goes on in heavy traffic, your commute becomes a wondrous ballet of weaving cars.  Cars themselves are incredible forces of power and transportation.

Start slowly, then challenge yourself.

Finding appreciation and gratitude intentionally and in new ways may seem awkward and even silly at first.  Start with the easy, obvious places, and then gradually challenge yourself.  Be patient and allow yourself to get better with practice.

The payoffs are huge.  With gratitude, we can more easily create the lives, the careers,  and the relationships we dream of having.  Our energy soars, our creativity blossoms, our intelligence and our ability to problem solve increase. And, as an extra bonus, expressing gratitude to others has been proven to motivate them to treat you better.

Thanksgiving is the perfect time of year to explore gratitude and appreciation.  When you get into it, you’ll realize how many people don’t commit crimes, how often you don’t fight with your partner, and how delicious silence is when the dog next door isn’t yapping.

So go ahead.  Give it a try.  Discover for yourself the Power of Pollyanna.

Don’t you just love them?  Those “aha” moments when everything falls into place as if by magic.  It can happen when you solve a problem, when you figure out the perpetrator in a whodunit movie, or, best of all, when you get a powerful insight into how to change your life for the better.

There’s a good reason “ahas” feel so good.  At the moment of insight, our brains release a surge of energizing chemicals and give off strong gamma-band waves, signals that the brain is literally dancing as it makes new brain-wide connections.

This is learning at its very finest, and we are called to action from the deepest parts of our hearts and minds.  In the dramatic clip from the film, The Miracle Worker, posted above, Helen Keller figures out that the random hand movements her teacher has been making were a symbol for  water.  She instantly got it, and understood that there was a way to communicate beyond the isolation of her dark, silent world.

In The Story of My Life, she described it this way:  “Suddenly … somehow the mystery of language was revealed to me.  I knew then that “w-a-t-e-r” meant the wonderful cool something that was flowing over my hand.  That living word awakened my soul, gave it light, hope, joy, set it free!”

But what do you think would have happened to Helen Keller if, after that momentous day, she didn’t do anything more?  No doubt about it—without repetition and reinforcement, her insight would have soon faded.  Instead, as Helen tells it, “I did nothing but explore with my hands and learn the name of every object that I touched; and the more I handled things and learned their names and uses, the more joyous and confident grew my sense of kinship with the rest of the world.”

Brain scientists put it this way: “what fires together, wires together.”  That’s another way of saying “practice makes perfect.”

The energy surge and resulting intense motivation we feel after an “aha” can pass very quickly, and we can soon forget about it, unless our learning “wires together.”  That’s why follow up and practice is crucial.  We must reinforce our insight with attention and repetition, to help our brains remember and apply our insights in future situations.

Here are some ways to help you use ahas to create lasting change:

1.    Write it down. The action of recording your insight will itself help strengthen the brain’s new connections and help you remember it.
2.   Return to your insight often. Post-it notes on the mirror and your computer screen really can strengthen your brain’s new connections.  Repeatedly bringing your attention to your “aha” will reinforce your learning by strengthening the new connections in your brain.
3.    Keep your attention on the solution, not the original problem. If you got an insight into how to stop procrastinating, for example, gently redirect your attention to the insight you got whenever you are tempted to procrastinate, rather than reminding yourself of your challenges with procrastination.  Again, this strengthens the brain’s new connections, rather than the old ones.
4.    Take easy action. As you move your insight into new, real-world behavior, it’s important to take action in small, easy steps.  This will minimize the brain’s stress signals, which will occur if you try to do too much too soon.
5.    Be generous with yourself. Remember that you didn’t learn to walk the first 500 times you tried.  Allow yourself to try and fail at your new behavior.  The very fact that you are trying is enough to re-focus your attention on the solution, and will strengthen your new insight.

With time and patience, you’ll see  your “ahas” gradually transform into “no-brainers”—automatic behaviors that hardly take any conscious attention.  So have fun, enjoy your ahas and happy learning!

A few months ago, I visited my friend Anni at  her fabulous bed and breakfast in Barbados.  Her inn is renowned for her sumptuous three-course gourmet breakfasts.  During my visit, her right arm, the dominant one, was in a cast.  Most mornings, her helpers, steeped in true island spirit (or maybe a little  too much rum the night before), came late or didn’t show up at all.

I joined her in the kitchen at six every morning to help her prepare breakfast for her guests, but she wanted none of my help.  She sat me at an open window with a cup of fresh coffee and some crackers to feed the birds who perched on the sill.

Mesmerized, I watched her literally single-handedly prepare an elegant feast for six or eight people, with care, with grace, and without rushing.  While her cast iron pans warmed up, she set out her beautiful serving dishes, and chopped and sliced with precision.  She stood quietly before her giant gas stove, in constant but deliberate motion.  Soon, the counters overflowed with pancakes, eggs, fruits, breads, sauces, and puddings.  She carefully arranged everything, garnished the plates with sprigs of herbs and fresh tropical flowers, and only then allowed me to assist her by carrying the steaming dishes of edible art to the dining room.

It was an inspiration to watch.  I told her that watching her cook was like observing a moving mediation.

Since then, I’ve tried to savor food preparation and cooking.  The old me flew into the kitchen and tried to get things done as quickly as possible.   It wasn’t much fun.  As I practice what I learned from Anni, my kitchen is a quieter, happier place. I play music, stay in the moment as much as I can, and even take a look outside as I work, allowing myself to enjoy the vibrant tropical foliage just inches from my fingertips. I think my cooking has improved, too.  It tastes more like love.

And you?  Is there a place in your life that could use less rushing and more savoring?  Here are a few hints that might help:

1.  Set an intention. Before you start, remind yourself that you intend to slow down and that you want the process to be as enjoyable as the destination.

2.  Breathe. Some slow gentle breaths signal our nervous systems to re-regulate and to regain a natural pattern of speeding and slowing.  When our physiology matches our intentions, we have a much better opportunity to enjoy the experience.

3.  Align your thoughts with your actions. Let thoughts of other things go for now.  You can come back to them later.

4.  Feed your senses. Use your beautiful mixing bowls instead of the scratched up plastic ones.  Put on your favorite music and then listen to it. Smell your surroundings, and if there isn’t a smell, add one you love.

5.  Bring mindfulness into your task. Allow yourself to be aware of what you are doing, as you are doing it.  Feel your knives in your hands, your fingertips on the keyboard, your hands in the garden gloves.  Notice your feet in your shoes and how they contact the ground.  Observe what you are doing.  Watch the magic of the sharp knife as it shreds celery. Look at the water from your shower as it falls, and feel it touch your skin.

6.  Allow yourself to play. Approach your project like a small child who is learning to put clothespins into a bucket.  Don’t get hung up on judging your efforts or comparing yourself to others.  Simply notice what you are doing, stay curious, and remain open to let things happen.

So give these tips a try.  See which ones work best for you, and which tasks or projects you can try them with.

There’s a lot to be savored in our lives, wherever we are.  Let’s not miss it by hurrying to get to the end.

A wonderful client of mine, a smart, hip woman who lives in Manhattan, recently got a lesson in the high cost of being too nice in the NYC subway. A bedraggled man got on the car, took the seat beside her and, in a series of escalating advances, attempted to engage her in conversation and then began to touch her.

Frightened, she quietly waited until the train came to a station, told him it was her stop (yeah, she actually gave him an excuse for leaving), and re-entered the next car, which had more people on it.  He followed her, continued his advances, and luckily this time, several men on the car restrained him, and summoned the transit police, who took the very mentally ill man away in handcuffs. My client was grateful because it could have been worse, but she was tremendously upset and shaken.

What was she thinking? As we deconstructed the event, she realized that she saw him initially approaching her, felt uncomfortable, but she sat still because she didn’t want to seem impolite.

We do it all the time, us nice girls.

I recently visited a new hairdresser.  I walked into an elegant salon and was greeted by a man dressed in black and chains, like an old British rocker.  I did not like his look or his vibe, but nonetheless, I politely sat in his chair.  As I picked at my hair, trying to describe what I wanted, he abruptly told me that I was paying him to cut my hair, not drive him crazy, so I had to keep my hands out of my hair.  As he roughly raked through my hair, my eyes welled up with tears.  “I’m extremely tender-headed.” I told him. “Well I’m not known for being gentle,” he replied. I was aware of a sickly feeling growing stronger in the pit of my stomach.  But I did not leave.

You know the ending of this story, right?

Of course.  I left with three inches less hair than I wanted, a lousy, unflattering haircut, and the prospect of finding someone else to repair the damage.

What was I thinking? I was operating on the same frequency as my client in the subway, as the woman who doesn’t get off the elevator when the creepy guy gets in, the woman who doesn’t get up, walk out, scream, or do whatever it takes to live her life in peace, exactly as she pleases.  I ignored all the signals from my gut, because I felt too uncomfortable standing up and leaving.  I ignored my feelings because I was afraid to tell him the truth.

We’re such good girls aren’t we?  In the name of being nice, of not making a fuss, not offending, not drawing attention to ourselves, and a passel of other sometimes valid but not universally applicable motivations, we tolerate all kinds of inappropriate people and behavior. We ignore the clues in our bodies, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming at us–get up, leave, walk, run, speak up, yell, don’t sit here, don’t stay here, don’t do business here, get the hell out of here and don’t turn back.

Enough!  I’m Declaring my Independence.

I’m ready, finally ready, to declare my independence from being nice at whatever it costs.  I’ll have a wonderful daily reminder as my hair grows back.

I declare that henceforth I will put my desire to be happy and safe over my desire to be polite at any price.  I will listen to my body.  I will listen to my gut feelings.  And I will never, ever again fail to speak up for myself, and just stay quiet, sit still, and not leave, speak up, scream, or whatever it takes to look out for my best interests, in the name of being a good girl.

Won’t you join me?

There’s no wrong way to do stillness.
It’s impossible.
You either do it or don’t do it.
But you can’t do it wrong
Because it’s not about right and wrong.

It’s not about sitting still,
It’s about letting something inside get still.
So go ahead and walk, move, do something,
Something that doesn’t need thinking.

And don’t be fooled.

Don’t think you don’t think when you do stillness.
You’ll think.
You’re a human and humans think.
That’s why we do stillness.
To notice that we are such great, grand, relentless thinkers.

It goes like this: you’re following your breath, just like you’re supposed to.
And next thing you know, you’re thinking.
It happens. A lot.

Don’t get on your case.
Just notice.

As a noticer, you notice that you can always notice your thoughts instead of engaging with them.
{Except, of course, when you can’t. Or don’t.}

Sometimes you notice a tiny clear voice inside.
It sounds different from the usual voice, the one that’s there distracting you.
It’s different because it’s the voice of Truth, and it has no agenda.
It simply whispers in your ear and something inside you goes Ping! and that’s really cool.

But then there’s that other voice. Be gentle with it.
When a thought about a problem comes up, gently tell yourself you can decide whether to ground your kid later.
When a thought about something interesting comes up, promise yourself that you can daydream about the new shoes you want later.
{Be sure to keep your promise.  Daydreams are important.}
When a thought about something ordinary comes up, remind yourself that you can make the grocery list later.

Remind yourself that you are a noticer, an observer,
A scientist in a white lab coat observing microorganisms dance on a slide.
You are the Scientist of You.
You with the urgent, interesting, enticing, dancing thoughts.

When those thoughts get harsh,
Remind yourself that you are not your thoughts.
You are flesh and blood and hair and guts and spirit and energy,
And heart.
That’s what you are.
You are not your thoughts.  Listen again.
You are not your thoughts.

And if you notice you don’t want to go back to stillness,
Notice your resistance.
Observe it with the curiosity of a child watching a bug crawl on a leaf.
Notice what color your resistance is and how it speaks to you.
Is it scratchy or smooth, fast or slow, high or low?
Does your resistance come in words, images, feelings?
Notice that your resistance, too, is just a thought.
And an I-don’t-want-to temper tantrum of a thought is still a thought, just like the other ones.
The ones that tempt you with visions of dinner.
The ones that rerun crappy conversations a million times and tell you that you have to do something about this RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
{Isn’t that funny?  What’s the big hurry?}

So go ahead and resist with your wholehearted approval.
Because there’s no wrong way do stillness

Last week, I was in Colorado attending a convention with 140 amazing coaches.  I heard extraordinary success stories, observed the art of coaching at it’s finest, attended motivating workshops and galvanizing keynotes, and connected with dozens of other like-minded professionals.  I learned, laughed, connected, and grew.  For me, it was a three-day love fest of inspiration, motivation, and empowerment.  When I left, I felt as if I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Judging from the tone of the many messages in my inbox and the posts I’ve seen on Facebook, virtually every participant left the convention with similar feelings. Now, four days later, I sense some of the excitement fading.

It’s a common occurrence, right?  Away from our everyday routines we gather for a conference or a retreat and soak up inspiration like dry sponges.  We leave feeling as if transforming our lives was no more difficult than, say, making a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch.  After a few days or weeks though, it’s often back to business as usual.  Inspiration fades and we forget how fabulous it all was and how fabulous we were.

So how can we stay enlivened after we return home to our jobs, mortgages, and everyday routines?  Here are a few ways that can help you stay inspired:

1.  Return to the workshop often. Assemble your notes, schedules, photos, workshop descriptions and handouts into a scrapbook or journal and look at it often.  Recall the fun you had, the ideas that came to you, and your personal highlights of the event.  Make notes and add them to your notebook.

2.  Keep feeling the energy you left with.  Recall the physical sensations in your body when your inspiration was at its peak and you felt unstoppable. Re-experience those feelings regularly by recalling them and breathing into the memories.

3.  Recall the goals, perceptions, and images that you had during the workshop. Write down the thoughts you had when you realized your new life was attainable.  Visualize it, too.  See your transformation in your mind’s eye, as if it were real right now.  Allow yourself to believe that your inspired new life is not only possible, but easily achievable.

4.  Stay connected to your peeps. Email, social media, and cheap long distance telephone make it easy to keep in touch with like-minded attendees.  Organize a weekly group call.  Don’t allow your conversations to backslide into complaints and lost dreams.  Take turns leading the calls, and make a pact with each other to stay focused on inspired, positive themes.  Cheer each other on.

5.  Stay connected to those who inspired you. Most workshop leaders and speakers offer lots of support and further inspiration on their websites.  Much of it is free.  Visit their websites.  Sign up for their teleclasses and ezines.  Read their books and blogs.  Listen to their podcasts.  Friend them on Facebook, “like” their fan pages, follow them on Twitter, and let them continue to guide you to greater inspiration, knowledge, and skills.

6.  Take a daily risk. Commit to taking one tiny step towards your new goals every single day, even if it scares you.  Especially if it scares you.  You’ll quickly discover that overcoming your fears and limiting beliefs through tiny action steps isn’t nearly as uncomfortable as staying stuck in old patterns is.

7.  Remember, transformation is a process, not a destination. Keep reminding yourself that permanent change comes over time.  Commit to giving yourself the gifts of patience and self-acceptance along the way.

So go ahead, and go for it.  Keep your inspiration alive.  Before long, you’ll be leaping tall buildings with a single bound.

Ever think if only you were richer, prettier, or thinner you’d be happier? Or if you could only find the right partner, you’d have a happy life? You’ve got plenty of company, because that’s what we all tend to think—the outside circumstances of life are what cause us to feel happier or sadder, satisfied or frustrated.

That’s why we spend so much time, effort, and big bucks pursuing a better job, the right hairstyle and clothing, and the best weight-loss diets. But scientific evidence is confirming what the sages have said for eons–looking outside ourselves is the not the answer, because happiness lies within. When we look elsewhere, whether it’s with a new job, a luxury vacation, or a different hairstyle, we’re looking for happiness in all the wrong places.

Whether we’re married or single, rich or poor, beautiful or not, matters very little when happiness is measured.  Our circumstances account for only a small fraction of our overall happiness, according to numerous studies. We can make more money, move to the city of our dreams, buy a big house or a BMW.  Even a combination of these goodies might only increase our happiness about 10 per cent, after the initial emotional high wears off.

Need more proof?  How about this?  The wealthiest Americans, those who make more than 10 million dollars a year, are only slightly happier than the workers they employ. And married people are only a little happier than singles—25 per cent of married people report being “very happy” compared to 21 per cent of singles who say the same thing.

Does this mean we’re just born happy or sad?  Yes, to some extent.

About 50 percent of our happiness comes from our personal raw material. Our genetics gives us a set-point for happiness, which means we all have a natural happiness baseline to which we’ll return whether we’ve won the lottery or gone through a divorce. This set-point is something like our body weight set-point, which allows some of us to remain skinny without effort and others of us to gain weight without trying. We have a place we’ll return to over and over, as yo-yo dieters can affirm.

It’s the same with happiness. Some of us have high set-points, giving us naturally sunny dispositions. Others of us weren’t endowed with the genetics to happily bounce back after a setback. We tend to settle into a baseline that can be substantially lower than our naturally cheery acquaintances.

But wait, there’s more… A whopping 40 per cent of our happiness potential is unaccounted for by genetics and circumstances. This is very, very good news.

Why?

Because the other 40 per cent of our happiness can be influenced by our intentional activities.  By engaging in scientifically confirmed practices, we can raise our personal joy by a whopping 40 per cent.  By changing our thoughts and behaviors, we can be much, much happier. With effort and intention, we can literally transform our lives significantly for the better.

And happiness can bring us more than, well, just happiness. Happiness comes with a boatload of cool side effects, too, like better social relationships, including more satisfying marriages; more energy, flexibility, and creativity; more productivity, better leadership skills, and greater earning power at work; better physical health, stronger immune systems, greater longevity, and increased resilience during times of hardship. It’s even been scientifically documented that happy people influence a great number of others in their sphere of social contact, helping their families, social relationships, co-workers, neighbors, and even the world at large become happy campers. So there are plenty of good reasons to be happier, if happiness itself isn’t enough incentive for you.

If you’re interested in how you can intentionally improve your life by getting happier, check out Adventures in Joy, an eleven week teleclass I’m offering, starting March 31, based on Martha Beck’s awesome little book, The Joy Diet, 10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life. I’ve done this 10 week program before, with a group of about 35 people, and it absolutely works.  The practices that we’ll employ in the classes are consistent with recent findings in positive psychology, confirming exactly what intentional activities contribute to happiness and life satisfaction.

In the teleclass, we’ll explore components of joy and happiness in a weekly class and I’ll support and coach you to find the right combination of ingredients to take full advantage of your optional 40 per cent of happiness. You’ll leave the class with a fully developed, personal happiness plan, that you can use for the rest of your life!

So you don’t have to win the lottery, lose 25 pounds, change your hairstyle, or ditch your unemployed boyfriend to be happier.  Just show up an hour a week, and begin to play with these powerful. ideas, habits and practices.

For further information, or to sign up, click here.

Whenever a client wants to talk about how much they want a relationship, I ask why they want to be in a relationship in the first place.   There are a lot of reasons: I don’t like doing things alone, I don’t want to be alone when I’m old, my biological clock is tick, tick, ticking, I’m tired of carrying the whole financial burden. Seems like the major reasons focus on fear, lack, not being okay with what’s true right now.

Do you think this focus is affecting anything?  Is it possible that this is the reason why they don’t have a relationship?

It’s not the most enticing offer to another person, is it?  Please come be with me so I don’t have to be alone, so I can have a baby, so I don’t have to work so hard, so I have something to do.  Sound a wee bit needy?

‘Course we never say it straight out like this.  We drop hints.  And if it works, we’re constantly on guard so we don’t get busted, which is a major drag, not to mention exhausting.

I never hear a client who wants a relationship say this:  I’ve created a fabulous life for myself, I love my time alone, I have great relationships, and I can take care of myself and my needs.  I want to enhance all of this by adding an intimate relationship with a loving partner.  I’ll get to experience giving love all the time and that just feels so wonderful.

Who would you rather be in a relationship with?

I’ve been thinking about relationship questions a lot lately because I’m teaming up this month with best-selling author, wise woman, and wickedly funny Martha Beck, as well as Jeannette Maw, a super cool master coach and law of attraction expert.  I was intrigued by how similar our approaches are, even though Jeannette and I speak in very different languages.

Martha, Jeannette, and I are co-teaching a 4-part-teleclass called How to Attract an Extraordinary Relationship.  It’s going to be fun, informative, and you’ll leave with lots of tools and tips for creating the relationship you want.  More details and sign-up here.

“It’s not about the pose, it’s about your reaction to the pose.”  Over and over I’ve heard this in yoga class the last few weeks. When my standing leg turns to jelly, when I quit while the rest of the class keeps going, or when my arm strength gives out and I plop rather than float to the floor, my wonderful, funny yoga teacher, Natalie Morales, softly reminds me, “it’s not about the pose, it’s about your reaction to the pose.”  When I lose my balance and topple sideways, Natalie cheerfully calls across the room, ”nice dismount, Terry!”  Encouraged, I grin and quickly return to the pose. With her good humor and gentle guidance, I can focus on my present efforts, rather than gnash and thrash about what I didn’t do, how impossibly hard the pose is, or how I’ll never get it right.

If my arms are weak and I don’t pop up into full wheel effortlessly, or at all, it’s fine.  My inability to hold chaturanga becomes almost as interesting as my graceful execution of a fully extended dancer’s pose.  In that accepting, lighthearted environment, I stay calm and strong, moving forward with less and less effort, steadily improving even as I topple, wobble, and flop.

Slowly and surely, I progress physically.  Little by little, my balance and stamina improves, my legs lift higher, my headstands last longer and become more stable.  But the most empowering aspect of this very challenging class is the transformation of my attitude, from one of competition and judgment to a powerful attitude of acceptance.  It’s not about the pose.

This concept will serve us well throughout the rest of the holidays and into the New Year.  It’s not about what happens, it’s about our reaction to what happens.

When, despite your very best efforts, life’s challenges still arise (as they always will), what will your reaction be?  When the weather changes and your eagerly anticipated plans have to change with it, when loved ones let your down, when life just doesn’t cooperate with you, how will you react?  Will you gnash and thrash and struggle? Will you mutter under your breath that it’s too hard, not fair? Will you regretfully scold yourself, tell yourself you should have done better or you should have handled it differently?  Will you give up?

Or can you smile, tell yourself “nice dismount,” and jump back in, renewing your efforts?  Can you remember what you did well, how you showed up and reached out, how well you communicated, how you stayed calm under fire, took a risk, stayed in your truth, took responsibility, and aligned with your values?

And just as important, will you forgive yourself for the times you didn’t.  When you fell out of the pose or didn’t do your best, when you didn’t reach out when you could have, when you were thoughtless or didn’t say the right thing, can you move forward without judgment?  Can you let it go, and simply acknowledge that it’s not about what happened?  Can you remember it’s always about how you respond this time, right now?

During this time of transition to the New Year, and new beginnings, let’s remind ourselves, over and over, it’s not about the pose.  Over and over, we will have the opportunity to answer these questions:  How do you want to react?  How will you choose to respond?

By remembering this simple truth–It’s not about the pose, it’s about our reaction to the pose–we can stay peacefully empowered, eager to jump back in, ready for the next challenge, and fascinated by the wonder of it all.

Thanks for being here this past year, and have a wonderful, fun, and prosperous New Year.