Inner180

A wonderful client of mine, a smart, hip woman who lives in Manhattan, recently got a lesson in the high cost of being too nice in the NYC subway. A bedraggled man got on the car, took the seat beside her and, in a series of escalating advances, attempted to engage her in conversation and then began to touch her.

Frightened, she quietly waited until the train came to a station, told him it was her stop (yeah, she actually gave him an excuse for leaving), and re-entered the next car, which had more people on it.  He followed her, continued his advances, and luckily this time, several men on the car restrained him, and summoned the transit police, who took the very mentally ill man away in handcuffs. My client was grateful because it could have been worse, but she was tremendously upset and shaken.

What was she thinking? As we deconstructed the event, she realized that she saw him initially approaching her, felt uncomfortable, but she sat still because she didn’t want to seem impolite.

We do it all the time, us nice girls.

I recently visited a new hairdresser.  I walked into an elegant salon and was greeted by a man dressed in black and chains, like an old British rocker.  I did not like his look or his vibe, but nonetheless, I politely sat in his chair.  As I picked at my hair, trying to describe what I wanted, he abruptly told me that I was paying him to cut my hair, not drive him crazy, so I had to keep my hands out of my hair.  As he roughly raked through my hair, my eyes welled up with tears.  “I’m extremely tender-headed.” I told him. “Well I’m not known for being gentle,” he replied. I was aware of a sickly feeling growing stronger in the pit of my stomach.  But I did not leave.

You know the ending of this story, right?

Of course.  I left with three inches less hair than I wanted, a lousy, unflattering haircut, and the prospect of finding someone else to repair the damage.

What was I thinking? I was operating on the same frequency as my client in the subway, as the woman who doesn’t get off the elevator when the creepy guy gets in, the woman who doesn’t get up, walk out, scream, or do whatever it takes to live her life in peace, exactly as she pleases.  I ignored all the signals from my gut, because I felt too uncomfortable standing up and leaving.  I ignored my feelings because I was afraid to tell him the truth.

We’re such good girls aren’t we?  In the name of being nice, of not making a fuss, not offending, not drawing attention to ourselves, and a passel of other sometimes valid but not universally applicable motivations, we tolerate all kinds of inappropriate people and behavior. We ignore the clues in our bodies, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming at us–get up, leave, walk, run, speak up, yell, don’t sit here, don’t stay here, don’t do business here, get the hell out of here and don’t turn back.

Enough!  I’m Declaring my Independence.

I’m ready, finally ready, to declare my independence from being nice at whatever it costs.  I’ll have a wonderful daily reminder as my hair grows back.

I declare that henceforth I will put my desire to be happy and safe over my desire to be polite at any price.  I will listen to my body.  I will listen to my gut feelings.  And I will never, ever again fail to speak up for myself, and just stay quiet, sit still, and not leave, speak up, scream, or whatever it takes to look out for my best interests, in the name of being a good girl.

Won’t you join me?

Ever think if only you were richer, prettier, or thinner you’d be happier? Or if you could only find the right partner, you’d have a happy life? You’ve got plenty of company, because that’s what we all tend to think—the outside circumstances of life are what cause us to feel happier or sadder, satisfied or frustrated.

That’s why we spend so much time, effort, and big bucks pursuing a better job, the right hairstyle and clothing, and the best weight-loss diets. But scientific evidence is confirming what the sages have said for eons–looking outside ourselves is the not the answer, because happiness lies within. When we look elsewhere, whether it’s with a new job, a luxury vacation, or a different hairstyle, we’re looking for happiness in all the wrong places.

Whether we’re married or single, rich or poor, beautiful or not, matters very little when happiness is measured.  Our circumstances account for only a small fraction of our overall happiness, according to numerous studies. We can make more money, move to the city of our dreams, buy a big house or a BMW.  Even a combination of these goodies might only increase our happiness about 10 per cent, after the initial emotional high wears off.

Need more proof?  How about this?  The wealthiest Americans, those who make more than 10 million dollars a year, are only slightly happier than the workers they employ. And married people are only a little happier than singles—25 per cent of married people report being “very happy” compared to 21 per cent of singles who say the same thing.

Does this mean we’re just born happy or sad?  Yes, to some extent.

About 50 percent of our happiness comes from our personal raw material. Our genetics gives us a set-point for happiness, which means we all have a natural happiness baseline to which we’ll return whether we’ve won the lottery or gone through a divorce. This set-point is something like our body weight set-point, which allows some of us to remain skinny without effort and others of us to gain weight without trying. We have a place we’ll return to over and over, as yo-yo dieters can affirm.

It’s the same with happiness. Some of us have high set-points, giving us naturally sunny dispositions. Others of us weren’t endowed with the genetics to happily bounce back after a setback. We tend to settle into a baseline that can be substantially lower than our naturally cheery acquaintances.

But wait, there’s more… A whopping 40 per cent of our happiness potential is unaccounted for by genetics and circumstances. This is very, very good news.

Why?

Because the other 40 per cent of our happiness can be influenced by our intentional activities.  By engaging in scientifically confirmed practices, we can raise our personal joy by a whopping 40 per cent.  By changing our thoughts and behaviors, we can be much, much happier. With effort and intention, we can literally transform our lives significantly for the better.

And happiness can bring us more than, well, just happiness. Happiness comes with a boatload of cool side effects, too, like better social relationships, including more satisfying marriages; more energy, flexibility, and creativity; more productivity, better leadership skills, and greater earning power at work; better physical health, stronger immune systems, greater longevity, and increased resilience during times of hardship. It’s even been scientifically documented that happy people influence a great number of others in their sphere of social contact, helping their families, social relationships, co-workers, neighbors, and even the world at large become happy campers. So there are plenty of good reasons to be happier, if happiness itself isn’t enough incentive for you.

If you’re interested in how you can intentionally improve your life by getting happier, check out Adventures in Joy, an eleven week teleclass I’m offering, starting March 31, based on Martha Beck’s awesome little book, The Joy Diet, 10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life. I’ve done this 10 week program before, with a group of about 35 people, and it absolutely works.  The practices that we’ll employ in the classes are consistent with recent findings in positive psychology, confirming exactly what intentional activities contribute to happiness and life satisfaction.

In the teleclass, we’ll explore components of joy and happiness in a weekly class and I’ll support and coach you to find the right combination of ingredients to take full advantage of your optional 40 per cent of happiness. You’ll leave the class with a fully developed, personal happiness plan, that you can use for the rest of your life!

So you don’t have to win the lottery, lose 25 pounds, change your hairstyle, or ditch your unemployed boyfriend to be happier.  Just show up an hour a week, and begin to play with these powerful. ideas, habits and practices.

For further information, or to sign up, click here.

Whenever a client wants to talk about how much they want a relationship, I ask why they want to be in a relationship in the first place.   There are a lot of reasons: I don’t like doing things alone, I don’t want to be alone when I’m old, my biological clock is tick, tick, ticking, I’m tired of carrying the whole financial burden. Seems like the major reasons focus on fear, lack, not being okay with what’s true right now.

Do you think this focus is affecting anything?  Is it possible that this is the reason why they don’t have a relationship?

It’s not the most enticing offer to another person, is it?  Please come be with me so I don’t have to be alone, so I can have a baby, so I don’t have to work so hard, so I have something to do.  Sound a wee bit needy?

‘Course we never say it straight out like this.  We drop hints.  And if it works, we’re constantly on guard so we don’t get busted, which is a major drag, not to mention exhausting.

I never hear a client who wants a relationship say this:  I’ve created a fabulous life for myself, I love my time alone, I have great relationships, and I can take care of myself and my needs.  I want to enhance all of this by adding an intimate relationship with a loving partner.  I’ll get to experience giving love all the time and that just feels so wonderful.

Who would you rather be in a relationship with?

I’ve been thinking about relationship questions a lot lately because I’m teaming up this month with best-selling author, wise woman, and wickedly funny Martha Beck, as well as Jeannette Maw, a super cool master coach and law of attraction expert.  I was intrigued by how similar our approaches are, even though Jeannette and I speak in very different languages.

Martha, Jeannette, and I are co-teaching a 4-part-teleclass called How to Attract an Extraordinary Relationship.  It’s going to be fun, informative, and you’ll leave with lots of tools and tips for creating the relationship you want.  More details and sign-up here.

“It’s not about the pose, it’s about your reaction to the pose.”  Over and over I’ve heard this in yoga class the last few weeks. When my standing leg turns to jelly, when I quit while the rest of the class keeps going, or when my arm strength gives out and I plop rather than float to the floor, my wonderful, funny yoga teacher, Natalie Morales, softly reminds me, “it’s not about the pose, it’s about your reaction to the pose.”  When I lose my balance and topple sideways, Natalie cheerfully calls across the room, ”nice dismount, Terry!”  Encouraged, I grin and quickly return to the pose. With her good humor and gentle guidance, I can focus on my present efforts, rather than gnash and thrash about what I didn’t do, how impossibly hard the pose is, or how I’ll never get it right.

If my arms are weak and I don’t pop up into full wheel effortlessly, or at all, it’s fine.  My inability to hold chaturanga becomes almost as interesting as my graceful execution of a fully extended dancer’s pose.  In that accepting, lighthearted environment, I stay calm and strong, moving forward with less and less effort, steadily improving even as I topple, wobble, and flop.

Slowly and surely, I progress physically.  Little by little, my balance and stamina improves, my legs lift higher, my headstands last longer and become more stable.  But the most empowering aspect of this very challenging class is the transformation of my attitude, from one of competition and judgment to a powerful attitude of acceptance.  It’s not about the pose.

This concept will serve us well throughout the rest of the holidays and into the New Year.  It’s not about what happens, it’s about our reaction to what happens.

When, despite your very best efforts, life’s challenges still arise (as they always will), what will your reaction be?  When the weather changes and your eagerly anticipated plans have to change with it, when loved ones let your down, when life just doesn’t cooperate with you, how will you react?  Will you gnash and thrash and struggle? Will you mutter under your breath that it’s too hard, not fair? Will you regretfully scold yourself, tell yourself you should have done better or you should have handled it differently?  Will you give up?

Or can you smile, tell yourself “nice dismount,” and jump back in, renewing your efforts?  Can you remember what you did well, how you showed up and reached out, how well you communicated, how you stayed calm under fire, took a risk, stayed in your truth, took responsibility, and aligned with your values?

And just as important, will you forgive yourself for the times you didn’t.  When you fell out of the pose or didn’t do your best, when you didn’t reach out when you could have, when you were thoughtless or didn’t say the right thing, can you move forward without judgment?  Can you let it go, and simply acknowledge that it’s not about what happened?  Can you remember it’s always about how you respond this time, right now?

During this time of transition to the New Year, and new beginnings, let’s remind ourselves, over and over, it’s not about the pose.  Over and over, we will have the opportunity to answer these questions:  How do you want to react?  How will you choose to respond?

By remembering this simple truth–It’s not about the pose, it’s about our reaction to the pose–we can stay peacefully empowered, eager to jump back in, ready for the next challenge, and fascinated by the wonder of it all.

Thanks for being here this past year, and have a wonderful, fun, and prosperous New Year.

As a new lawyer, I worked in Miami’s county courts of where delinquents with blaring stereos and mufferless cars, unruly boaters who blithely sped across manatee habitats, and loiterers and petty thieves faced time in the county slammer for, mostly, their unrepentant boorish behavior.  The courts teemed with emotion, illogic, and, not infrequently, chaos.  The defendants and their families waited alongside long-suffering neighborhoods seeking their day in court against louts whose dogs ran through their gardens, digging, pooping, and terrifying cats.

In addition to the legally recognized pleas of guilty and not guilty, the shrewd judges allowed, a third alternative which had absolutely no legal significance but served as a practical and efficient way to keep the heavy docket moving.  Over and over, the court clerk sternly demanded of the defendant, “How do you plead, guilty, not guilty, or guilty with an explanation?”  “Guilty with an explanation” was the overwhelmingly popular choice

The defendant was then given a few minutes to offer his excuses, justifications, and rationalizations for doing what he did.  But he was still guilty, and treated accordingly.

How often we do this in our personal lives.  We behave unreliably, sometimes worse.  We break rules, ignore the twinges of conscience that tug at us, then plead “guilty with an explanation,” stammering out our excuses.  It feels icky and lame, because, in the end, we’re guilty with or without an explanation.

What if we simply admitted it?   “I misled you.  I apologize. I hope you’ll forgive me.”  An apology without an excuse.  Guilty without an explanation.  It’s a risk that takes courage, but, in the end, a far more truthful and satisfying  choice.

What do you really yearn for, what you are just dying to have in your life?  Start with this question:  how will it feel when you have it?  Imagine what it feels like to be totally in love with your life.  You don’t have to know how you got there.  You don’t even have to know exactly what it is.  Just imagine what it feels like when you’re there.

What are you feeling? Excited? Light-hearted? Peaceful? Over the moon?

If you’re not, why not?  What are you telling yourself that’s keeping you from feeling it?  It’s silly to pretend?  You can’t do it?  You might do it wrong?

Could that possibly be the same thinking that’s stopping you from having the life of your dreams?  Better check out that thinking with some truth testing.  And dump the thinking if it’s not true.

The truth is virtually all of our limits are self-concocted.  We tell ourselves that it’ll never happen, we can’t have it, and we wind up feeling like we got punched.  Only we did the punching, right in own gut with our own thinking.  And it sucks the creative juice and fun and the energy right out of us.  We don’t feel like making the effort and we’re blind to juicy opportunities that pop up right under our noses.

When we allow ourselves to feel light, open, energetic, filled with possibility, we set the stage for our dreams to come true.   We’re inspired and everything becomes possible.  Our hearts and our minds open.  We soar. The people, the situations, the opportunities find us and we’re awake and recognize them.  We know they’re there for us, so we gratefully grab them.  We’re experimental, playful, brilliant, bold.  And before long, we’ve got it.  The thing we wanted and a life we love.

Ironically, the journey to the life of our dreams feels as light and open and joyful as the life we want when we get there.  And it’s the only way to get there.

So got that?  Let’s try it again.  What is it that you want?  Now feel it by imagining that you’ve got it right now.  Let yourself tingle with it right down to your toes.  Take a soft breath or two and revel in it.  Then, take it with you.  Invent, dream, create, plan, act: whatever you do, do it with that feeling.

And when the path feels as beautiful as the destination, it’s like having what you want right now.  Amazing, eh?

Among the many lessons in the African bush, the lesson of stillness unfolded again and again. Many times during our game drives, we were invited to get still and notice what was happening around us.  Putting down our cameras and stopping our social chitchat, we sat still and simply did nothing.

I’d never been in a place where there was stillness in every direction, where the sights and sounds of human activity were completely absent, where not even the hum of a distant highway or an occasional overhead airplane broke the silence.  Only the subtle presence of nature surrounded us.

Before long, our Shangaan tracker would quietly gesture to something which we hadn’t immediately comprehended.

Like the beautiful blue heron sitting beside this lake,

impala grazing across the field,

zebras hiding in the grasses,

hippos disguised as boulders,

and elephants emerging from the forest.

The more still we get, the more we see and hear and learn, and the more we connect with the beauty and wonder always around us.  This is the place we can access the wisest parts within us, where we can become the detached, curious observers of ourselves, and where we can always know peace.

Lao Tzu teaches, “Empty your mind of all thoughts, let your heart be at peace  . . . you can deal with whatever life brings you.”

Africa was a powerful reminder.

I practiced law for a lo-o-ong time.  Doubt, disbelief, and challenge is a blood sport in the law, and nothing is accepted without solid, credentialed proof.  Now, I hang around people who believe in magic, and the more I’m with them and the more I play with magical processes, the more I agree that there are wonderful, whimsical, magical forces guiding our lives.  But I still think I’m rational and intelligent.

A couple of months ago I made a vision board–my experiment with the concept of influencing reality by regularly viewing inspiring images. I created a collage of African animals, illustrating a deep desire to someday visit the place where humankind first emerged and magnificent animals roam freely.

A few weeks later, I dreamed I was a heroine in a broad, gray-green African veldt, diverting a charging rhino from attacking the small children with me.  Then, I met some wonderful South Africans in Chicago at our coaches’ convention.  And I began to trade Facebook messages with a coach trainee who, unknown to me at the time, is South African.

And just last week, my lunch was served by a lovely South African woman who proudly told me about her beautiful country.

The idea of actually going to Africa in the near future never really occurred to me though.  I could have given you very solid evidence of why and how it would probably never happen.

Just a few days ago, going to Africa existed only in  a mélange of images on my vision board.  And now it’s happening, and at warp speed.  Next Saturday morning, I’ll begin a 26-hour flight to South Africa, to join Martha Beck and a small group of amazing people, many of whom I’ve met either in person or online in just the last month.

Coincidence or synchronicity?  Until I glued those pictures to a slab of foam-core board and propped it up it my bedroom, I knew no South Africans, never had dreamt of Africa, and thought the chances I’d actually get there in my lifetime were wildly improbable.

Today, magic is looking like the rational choice of intelligent people.  I can hardly wait to make my next vision board.  Shall I visit the moon, or stay here on earth to become a principal dancer with the New York City Ballet?

And you?  What are your wildly improbable dreams?  Post them here, make a vision board, and tell everyone you know about your secret desires. Let your imagination run wild, and get excited with the realization that dreams really do come true, and magic just might be the force that makes them happen.

Go ahead and do it! It’s a rational, intelligent act.

Do you ever say “yes” or “maybe” when you really want to say “no?”  Or do you muddle your “no” with explanations, excuses, or apologies?

Consider these alternatives:

–I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me.  But you know, I don’t know, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.  I’m sorry.  Please don’t be mad at me.

–No.  I’m not ready to have sex with you.

How about these:

–I really don’t want you to use my car tonight because the last time you went out in it you stayed out until 4 am and you didn’t call me and  I was so worried about you and I just don’t sleep when that happens.

–No, dear.  You can’t borrow my car tonight.

Or these:

–I don’t know.  I’m really tired, and I’m not sure how I’ll feel tonight.  So, I’ll have to call you later.

–No, I’m not available tonight.  Thank you for asking.

How about these options:

–You know, my credit card balances have really crept up and I have to get my washer fixed and go to the dentist and I don’t get paid for another two weeks.  So, I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it.

–No, I can’t lend you money.

When we are not clear in our no’s we open the door to debate and  argument.  We set ourselves up for difficult relationships.  We often agree to do things that conflict with our real desires and our core values.

And whether we reluctantly go along with something because our “no” was never clearly expressed, or we somehow wriggle out of it by offering up enough excuses, we never enjoy ourselves.  Either we wind up doing something we didn’t want to do, or we’re exhausted by our guilt and the effort to get out of it.

One of the most empowering things we can do is to say “no” honestly, clearly, and cleanly.  It gives us both inner strength and peace in our hearts.

Try it out and see how it feels.

Dear One,

I really enjoyed getting to know you better during our session and I was thrilled to be able to coach you.  I have seen a lot of potential in you and I’m glad you want to look deeply inside yourself.  I do quite a lot of work around “How to Work with People in Crisis” with coaches, lawyers, and mental health professionals.  In a sense, this is what you are challenged to do with your partner.

The first principle of working with those who are in crisis is to remain calm yourself.  And I am not talking about the calm of the actress who is showing exterior calm while flipping out or at war inside.  Our energy fields will give us away.  (Remember the heart’s electrical charge is MEASURABLE, with today’s equipment, up to 10 feet away from us.)  Clamping down our feelings is exhausting, and compromises our intelligence and creativity and our authentic power.  This is confirmed by science, as well as by our spiritual leaders, and all of the great healers and leaders who have shared their secrets with us.

I am talking about honest, authentic calm, the deep calm that knows that we will be allright, no matter what happens.  It is a calm that comes from unconditional love, for absolute acceptance of reality, and from getting in touch with the sometimes painful but always liberating truth that we are responsible for our own experience. This is why the focus of our coaching session was directed at the real truth of what is going on inside of you, rather than around your partner’s behavior.

As coaches, as leaders, as parents, as those interacting with people in crisis, it is up to us to set the tone of our interactions, rather than being pulled into the other’s upset.  This is a big challenge, particularly with a partner because they know where our buttons are, and they often don’t hesitate to push them.  They will exhibit behavior with us that they will not do elsewhere, for example, at their workplace.  Which fuels further judgments, recriminations and inner war (“Why can’t s/he be civil with me if s/he can keep it together at work.  S/he is disrespectful, a jerk, too angry.”)  On and on goes the inner dance.

If you can stay in your core of peace with your partner, you can do it with anyone, I suspect.  But you must first see the value in getting really honest with yourself about all of this.  This is an exploration of the “why” you want to interact from your core of peace and to be an authentically calm presence.

For those of us who have lived most of our lives in a lot of noise and turmoil (inner and outer), this is a huge identity shift.  It is scary and our minds will rebel, often very creatively.   I remember thinking “without my drama, without my stories, without my nostrils flaring and coming back with a quick, sassy (i.e., nasty) remark” I will be flat, weak, boring, plain vanilla, no personality.  For me, that was just another lie I told myself to stay in a dance of war, of turmoil, of victimhood.  Although I was frequently miserable there, It was a very familiar place, and I was comfortable there.

I have, in large part, now ended my personal inner war.  When inner conflict arises, which it does, I do the very same inner work I ask of my clients.  I do not believe that I am now weak or boring or flat, and my experience is that no one else thinks so either.  In fact, my personal experience is that I am much stronger, more powerful, and even more interesting now. And, I have freed up enough energy to power a small city.

So, all of this is a lead up to an assignment for you.  Ask yourself why.  Why do you want to end this war, end this dance, end this strife with your partner?  Write down all the reasons that come to you.  Do this over the course of the next week or so.  Let the reasons come to you.  If you think of reasons not to end it, write those down separately.  If you resist this exercise, then list all the reasons why you are resisting.

Then look at those reasons with an open mind and a heart devoted to the largest truth of who you are and what you really want for yourself.  Ask which reasons are steeped in truth and which are not.  Ask which reasons feel like love and which do not.  And then ask yourself this question:  whose responsibility is it get this truth and this love into your life?

Let me know how it goes.

Much love,
Terry